As I was packing for our trip to Texas, I was pretty sure I was not pregnant. I had some typical signs of a looming period--being emotional the weekend prior, skin breakouts, etc. However, I knew I would be sure towards the end of the trip when my period was supposed to start. I threw some feminine products in my suitcase. And then I also grabbed a pregnancy test and something I had tucked in the back of our closet over a year ago. Just in case. That special item, I told myself, would probably just remain at the bottom of my suitcase for the entire trip, only to be returned to the box in the closet when we got home.
A few years ago, we were in a church small group with a couple who had two little girls. The dad is a huge Detroit Lions fan and had his own diaper bag, which had the Lions' logo on it. Nathan remarked one time that he thought that was so cool and that one day, he'd like to have his own diaper bag. I filed that away until October 2015, when my period was a few weeks late, just after we had decided we were both ready to have a baby. I knew when the time came, I wanted to tell The Mister I was pregnant by giving him his own diaper bag. A Portugal one. So late one night, I ordered it and had it rush delivered so I wouldn't have to delay what I thought could be an impending pregnancy announcement to him. Funnily enough, it sat in its box in our closet for over a year before I pulled it out and tossed it into my suitcase.
While in Texas, I felt like all the signs continued to point to my body prepping for a period. We spent a few days in Abilene with The Mister's fam, celebrating Christmas, then headed to San Antonio to spend the second half of our trip, including Christmas Eve and Day, with my fam. According to my tracker, I was set to start my period on that travel day, the 23rd, but my body never really followed the schedule in my tracker to a T, so I didn't concern myself with it too much.
The next day, Christmas Eve, we had plans to see Star Wars: Rogue One in the theater before going to the Christmas Eve service at church. We would then come home, eat dinner, and open presents. Early that afternoon, as I was curling my hair in the bathroom, I began thinking maybe I should go ahead and take the pregnancy test I had hidden away in my suitcase since my period hadn't started. Just in case. That way I would just know for sure that I wasn't pregnant and could continue waiting for my period to show up. I kept going back and forth on whether to take it though. Just the small act of taking the test indicated I had the teeniest, tiniest, almost undetectable amount of hope that I could be pregnant, and even though I already thought pretty strongly I wasn't, I would inevitably have a moment of disappointment when the test confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. I had gone through this a few times already, usually shedding more tears before taking a test than I did after. I wasn't sure it was the wisest decision to throw in a small emotional breakdown while I was supposed to be getting ready to leave the house. I tried hard to put it all out of my mind, but I couldn't let it go. I finally put down the curling iron, made sure there was no one upstairs, and grabbed the test. Once back in the bathroom, I prayed shortly and told myself over and over that I was just taking the test to confirm that I was not pregnant so I didn't have to think about it anymore. I took the test and it immediately showed positive. No waiting a couple of minutes or anything. I was in shock. It was surreal to see the two lines where I had always seen one, where I had wished and willed for it to show two. I kept doing mental checks. "Is that a positive result?" "Yes, that matches the picture on the end of the stick." "Yes, that says Pregnant next to it." I stood in front of the mirror for the longest time, just freaking out on the inside. My brain was going nuts and had no capacity for anything else. I always thought I would cry upon finding out I was pregnant, even before we had a difficult journey, but my emotions were unable to engage while my brain was so thoroughly occupied. I kept telling myself, "You're pregnant!" but it seemed so strange. I realized I needed to tell The Mister. And then doubt crept in. "What if it's a false positive somehow?" I grabbed my phone and started googling. Everything was saying a false positive is always highly unlikely, but I wasn't 100% convinced. There was no way I was going to announce the news, only for us to be disappointed later that it somehow wasn't real. What a completely ruined moment that would be. I decided I needed a second test. There wasn't any time to go out and get one before we needed to leave for the movie and I still wasn't done getting ready. I calmed my mind enough to finish my hair and makeup and grab a quick bite to eat before heading out the door with The Mister and my fam. I decided to text my naturopath and ask her about the possibility of receiving a false positive while in the car. She responded as we were in the theater parking lot, so I was trying to be very keen on keeping my phone screen away from anyone's eyes as I read her message saying it was very unlikely and congratulating me. I was so distracted, trying to be secretive, trying to read and respond to her text, trying to follow everyone into the theater and respond to their questions about whether I wanted ice cream and if I had a ticket and who I was texting. I got a little snappy because I couldn't handle it all and was so afraid I was going to give everything away. I had always thought, in addition to crying, I wouldn't be able to hold in news of a positive test. But I sat in that dark movie theater for over two hours, cherishing the secret I held, still in disbelief. Focusing on watching the movie was a good break for my brain, though I never completely stopped thinking about the two words "I'm" and "pregnant."
