Before & After

This morning, I looked at my Memories on Facebook and one year ago today, I checked in at BJACH. Nathan and I were there all day for perinatal classes. I immediately recalled that day. How terrified I had been to give birth at Fort Polk, in a military hospital. And then how relieved we both were at the conclusion of the classes, knowing how natural-friendly and pro-breastfeeding the hospital was.

And then, it hit me. That day was pre-August 11th. When we still lived in expectation and optimism. It made me tear up.  The day I went into labor with Jackson sharply marks a "before" and "after." Before the weight of grief and disappointment was given to us, wrapped in joy and sweetness, we lived in a world where we stood in my sister & Dylan's wedding, where my mom drove to Louisiana the following week, where she & I had a couple of weeks to finish (nay, start) Jackson's nursery and cook freezer meals, where our little baby was born in early September after arguing with doctors about inducing me prior to 42 weeks. We're coming up on a year and I still cope with the drastically different world we live in by imagining every now and then that at some point we'll get a do-over.

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December 4th marked one year since God told me to write and share our story. Funnily enough, that is also the same day (I realized much later) that my fertility chart indicates as the day my body released the egg that would become Sweet Baby. Christmas Eve marked one year since I found out I was pregnant. These anniversaries evoked strong memories and emotions, and I was reminded I had barely reached that point in telling our story and currently have a little collection of unfinished posts. Two weeks ago The Mister and I were on a drive out of town and we talked about how I very much need to process Sweet Baby's birth externally in some way. The Mister pointed out extroverting my thoughts and feelings would probably help a lot since I am inclined to being introverted. I think writing about it will bring some healing. While at the marriage and parenting event we attended while out of town that weekend, the worship leader shared the story of his son, whom they were told should be aborted because he had a serious heart defect. I couldn't stop the tears as he talked about their fears while their son was in utero and the joy and relief he felt when the surgeon told him his son was alive after he suffered cardiac arrest at just a few days old. His words echoed so many of the things I had heard and felt, although in different circumstances.  The other night, I turned on the video monitor after putting Sweet Baby down for the night, and as I watched his chest rise and fall on the monochromatic, slightly fuzzy screen, I was suddenly transported back to the times The Mister and I watched his heart beating inside my womb on a different monochromatic, slightly fuzzy screen. I was completely overwhelmed by the gratitude and love I felt in that moment. I need to pick up writing again. I've needed to finish telling our story for some time, but these things have particularly pushed it to the surface. I have a feeling God wants to say more to me while I wade back into processing everything He has already done. So... here we go!

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