I have always craved intimate, true connections with people in my life. I know in order to accomplish that, you have to be honest and open in communicating, even if it's hard or painful or awkward. This had led me to be fairly open with my family, close friends, and anyone who inquires about my life. The Mister is much more keen to keep things to himself.
However, when it came to the all important conversation of having a baby, he and I were on the same page from the beginning. We weren't going to talk about it with anyone. I didn't want people involved in that area of our private life and I certainly didn't want any undue anticipation. This plan worked for a while. A long time, actually. Over a year. I broke down here and there and shared bits of things with certain people, at certain times.
But now I need to talk about it. I need to be able to say something more than "We hope soon!" with a smile plastered on my face. I told The Mister recently I've realized that because I don't want to be totally honest with people, I'm not being totally honest with myself, and then I can't be totally honest with God. And that is making it hard to deal with this pain and uncertainty.
I told The Mister a few weeks ago that while working through some feelings of discouragement and frustration, I reminded myself that the purpose of all things is to glorify God. To make His character, His purposes and His ways known. As soon as I had that thought I asked myself, "Ok, but how is anyone going to know the glory if they don't know the struggle?" That's when I began to think maybe God was telling me it was time to share. So that He might be glorified. Known. Exalted.
On Sunday, our pastor talked about how there was no room at the inn for Mary & Joseph, and therefore no room for Jesus. Something he said when explaining how making space in our lives for God doesn't make our lives perfect shouted at me. "Make space in your life for God to get into the darkness and bring light." This is my corner of darkness where I am making space for God so He can bring light.
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